-I- h-A-te you

David is leaving to go IA and "defend democracy". Yes, I understand that it's necessary. Yes, I understand that I knew this was part of the package, that it was a trade off... I am marrying someone who deploys frequently, he married someone with an unhealthy obsession with facebook. I know. But freakin hell, it seems like he just got back! Why are we now finding out that he'll be leaving again? They gave us all of 2 months notice. Do you know how hard it is to prepare to live as half yourself for a YEAR, in 2 months time? We have soo much to get done. His divorce still isnt finalized, we have a court date set for August 18th, and Im praying we walk out of there with a divorce decrea. I know David and the [X] have been seperated for years now, but Im still not giddy about the idea of getting married just days after his DIVORCE is finalized. I guess its just the "sound" of that, that I dont like. =// I wanted to choke her when I found out they were still "legally married" after we were...well, I WAS, under the impression they had been divorced for 3 years now. In all senses of the word he has been "MINE" for 2 years now, and thats how it will stay, I have no doubt, but I cant help but be irritated by the way things are coming together. I already gave up my big wedding, for a smaller one [which was fine], and now I have been reduced to "just doing it". How we are married isnt as important as the meaning behind it, but...How else do I explain it except its every girls dream....I guess thats the sacrafice of a military wife.
So, not only do we have to put a rush on getting married, we have to put a rush on buying a new car. We planned to buy one early next year and now we have to buy it within the next month. We also need a new laptop so he can take ours with him. David is re-enlisting next week. We have to get his Page 2s, & Power of Attorney in order. We will then have to go get IDs and deal with insurance for the girls and I. Next will be putting base stickers ont the new car, and then getting the RPP set up on our house. AHHH!
After all this is said and done David has brought up the two of us taking a vacation, or honeymoon by that time I guess. We dont know where, or for how long, but gosh doesnt that sound amazzzing?! I really hope we find the time to fit that in our schedule, but in the big picture it is coming in last.
David keeps talking about all the money we will save with him going IA, how much more the paycheck will be, yadda yadda yadda. While all of this is pleseant news, I would trade it all to have this next year with him HOME rather than in a war zone. =((.
Im sure it sounds as though I am rambling. All of these thoughts are still so jumbled in my head. I have every intention of sitting down making a TO DO list that must be completed before he leaves in OCT.!
Ugh, just the sound of OCTOBER makes my stomach turn.
I just got him back. I swear I did. & This is where I stop, before I start to sound like the "anti military wife" and ramble on and on about the Navy and Chain of Command and so on and so forth.
I guess after all is said & done, the title of this Blog could not ring more true than it does at this very moment. =//


I'm both sad and irate all in one.

New Signature.

Another Test. =)). Im having too much fun with this.
I think Ill keep this one for a while though, I promise!

...My Oh My...

So many things going on. Where do I even start.

I have been so busy teaching myself more about blogging, photoshop, and html. Iv mainly been using it to keep myself busy and not think so much.

Just a few days ago we found out that David will be going IA to Afghanistan in just 2 and a half months. I really dont want to go into how I feel about that right now. I have a feeling I will come off as the "anti-military spouse". Some things are better left unsaid, for now.

As far as the effect this will have: We have 2 months to get married, buy a new car, new laptop, get Page 2s, power of attorney, IDs, insurance, RPP, and HOPEFULLY take a small vacation, just the two of us =). I know there is so much more to be done before he goes and listing everything would take me days. Lets just say, AHHHHHHH, I need 5 more brains and 12 more hands to handle it sanely. =(.

Im sure I will be back very soon to whine and moan about this IA Business. Just thought Id make a short post to update things.

Toddler Prison.

Before I begin to spill my feelings on this subject I just want to say that my soon to be hubby is an amazing man. He is hard woking, loving, sweet and ....just honestly one the the nicest guys you will ever meet. He is a wonderful father, SO, Sailor, Son, & Uncle. I wouldnt trade my life with him for the world. I post this reminder because I am extremelly upset at the moment and I dont want anything I say to come off as a bad impression of the kind of man he is.

I, however, am stuck in TODDLER PRISON!!

Im not sure he totally understands the effects that spending all day, every day with a 6, 4, & 2 year old can have on a person. I have very little patience and very little sanity left.

As many of you know I have never spent a day of my life since I was 15 NOT working. Before I met David I worked every day of my life, most times 12 hours a day. I had my own house, car, and took care of my kids on my own. Ever since David & I have been together I have not worked a single day. All of my time as been spent as a housewife/stay at home mom. I love and appreciate my husband very much for giving me this opportunity. I am glad that I am able to see my kids so much more than I did when I worked my ass off every day. I love that I will have the chance to send them off to school in the morning and see them off the bus in the afternoon. So many parents miss out on these little things so often these days.

You may ask then, "If she is so appreciative, why the rambling post of Toddler Prison?"
I love my kids dearly, but God made me with a very, very, verrrrry low amount of patience. I am easily irritated throughout the day. & as some of you know a 6, 4, & 2 year old can wear that down pretty thin.

I have been in VA for about a year and a half and recently my soon to be hubby started complaining that I didnt want to go make any friends. I didnt feel the need to make any friends, Im not a freindly person, I seldom get along with groups of females because there  is just too much drama to be had. Sooo, I did meet a few wives here and there and I love them ALL Dearly! Sometimes I wonder how I lived without them. The majority of our "getting to know each other" stages were done so while the hubby was underway so there were no problems then. I have not spent a night out, a day out, from my family although Iv made these friends, while the hubby is home. I am a mom and I have no interest in being out partying & leaving him to tend to the kids. I have though, asked him to watch them for THIRTY MINUTES to AN HOUR so that I can go with one of the girls tanning. My hubby has been home from his underway for 10 days. Of these 10 days I have been tanning 3 times. THREE.  So in 3 days time he has watched our girls, plus Alex (18 months), for a total of MAYBE 2 hours. & let me just add that these 3 days were NOT consecutive. Other than going tanning, I do not LEAVE MY HOUSE at all, for ANY amount of time, unless I go sit out back, and even then my time is spent making sure the kids dont run away or kill one another.

So then I noticed something was wrong with him today just by the short, evasive texts I was getting. I asked what I did...& I got "Iv been feeling like you pay more attention to me when I'm at work and when I get home I get nothing except for "watch the kids" even though Iv been at work all day. Atleast you get some help. Im just frustrated with it." I am not completely cold hearted. I do understand that he works hard for our family EVERY DAY. On the THREE occasions I have asked him to watch the girls I have first: fed them, bathed them, and put them to bed, & put the baby gate up on their room. So in all fairness he has really only had Alex to tend to and there is a playpen that He can be put in and WAS put in when we got home each time. One of the times I bathed the kids, fed them and then he was asked to put them in bed, (which is pretty simple) and put the gate up. How then should I have to feel bad?

He makes it sound as though we have a revolving door and he walks in from work & I walk out.

I know that I signed up for some hard times when I chose this life, but I DID NOT sign up for having absolutely no time to myself with out 3 screaming kids in my ear. I do not think that 30 minutes 3 days a week is asking for too much. I do value what little sanity I have left, and if I cant have just this little bit of me time...said sanity will not be long lived.

Each of these times that I have went tanning I have first let him know or asked if it would be okay and his response each time " Yea sure baby go ahead, I dont mind watching the kids." --((On another note, its not WATCHING THE KIDS when they are yours, Its being a father!)) I spend all day every day here with the kids, how am I not allowed 30-60 minutes away, without a guilt trip from him!? I dont do it EVERYDAY & I finish things up around here and leave very little for him to deal with when I do leave the house.

I dont feel like he is being fair at all. Is a relationship not supposed to be "meet in the middle". I feel like Im giving my all to make him happy and getting nothing in return. Yes, he goes to work everyday, and works hard to provide for our family and protect our country, but Im not in this relationship for the paycheck he brings home. That cant be his only form of "give" in this relationship. I know what it is like to work and provide for my kids. Im not a spoiled wife who doesnt appreciate what her husband does for her, but I need more. I need to be able to hold on to my sanity. He has never asked, but once, to go out with the guys. & He did go when he wanted to that time. Im not even asking for time to go "hang out" with the girls, I just want an hour to go TANNING! UGHH, how is that asking for too much. I cant bring myself to understand. He acts like I use that revolving door and toss him a "to-do" list on my way out. =(

It seems to me that he wont be {Happy} unless I spend all day cleaning and cooking and tending to the kids needs. Wait for him to come home, Pick up after the trail he leaves through the house when he arrives. Serve him dinner, watch whatever he wants to watch on tv, and then come to bed at 7 or 8pm when he is ready, [give him what he wants] & then let him roll over and go to sleep. =//

Yes, I realize this is what every man would love. Yes, I realize all women think they are crazy.

I do clean all day, most days. Our house stays VERY clean. [I suffer from OCD]-&  I say suffer because it does get on MY nerves sometimes as well as everyone around me. ((Today I organized my BANDAIDS!)) Do I move everything everyday and whiteglove my house? NO. But it does stay clean and neat and everything is in its place. He never has to do a thing, except pick up his own clothes and put them in the basket, which if you follow my facebook posts you know he RARELY DOES. He does take the trash out MOST DAYS & On occasion before we got our dishwasher he did do the dishes.-RARELY. I do make dinner on most every night, excpet lately because A trip to the grocery store is desperately needed but he has the car all day at work so I never have time to go.  & Im sorry dear but I am NOT tired at 7 or 8 pm. Exhausted? Yes! REady to Relax? Yes. REady to close my eyes and fall asleep? No. I do try to come up and lay with him until he falls asleep and most times I end up on the computer in bed because I am just so bored laying here....What else am I going to do?

I have no arguement against giving him what he wants, we will leave that one alone =)

It just seems that he pushed and pushed for me to make friends, and now that I have, He hates me for it.

Maybe Hate is too strong of a word =//.

I dont know how to feel about this. I dont know how to fix this. I can not just give up every second of my life to taking care of this family and not having a single solitary moment to myself. I cant do it. He has to meet me in the middle. There has to be an agreement that can be made. Im not sure what else I can do. I feel like Im coming way past the middle by putting the kids in bed before I even ask to leave.

ADVICE LADIES PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE.

Footsteps at the Door

Another sleepless night for me

Alone upon our bed

I see again his every move

And those last words he said.

So proud he looked in uniform

Convinced that he was right

He had to go, for duty called

There was a war to fight.

Those last few days before he left

I hid the pain inside

We talked and loved and even joked

He never knew I cried.

And when the dreaded moment came

He kissed me tenderly.

His eyes met mine, and then he said,

"I'll be all right, you'll see."

I tried to smile and nod my head

Afraid to let him see

The terror that I feared if he

Did not come back to me.

I see him as he walked away

I tried to say 'good-bye'

But words were trapped within my throat

All I could do was cry.

The weeks have stretched now into months

And every night I pray

That God will keep him in his care

And bring him home one day.

At last I drift off into sleep

In dreams I see him more

I turn around and smile to hear

His footsteps at the door.

Restless I sleep, and then I wake

Not opening my eyes

I move my hand to reach for him

But no one near me lies.

I will not give in to despair

With each new day I'll cope

For I know he would want me to

Be brave and live with hope.

I hear the voices loud and strong

Who criticize the war

While yelling men are fools to go

They stay on freedoms shore.

A man who cowers under fear

Will die a thousand deaths

While men like mine for freedom fight

And offer their last breaths.

I hope perhaps in fifty years

When men remember war

They won't forget the wives who dreamed

Of footsteps at the door

Where do I begin?

I originally planned on my next blog post being about My Wedding Day, but that will not be the case because there is more that I need to rant and rave about before we can go back to the happy place. Where do I even start to explain this one? Tracy & I met in kindergarden, she has literally been my best friend all my life. She has an older sister and a younger brother that I consider nothing less than my own. She called me today to tell me that Scott, her..OUR Younger Brother had been arrested. I freaked, instant reaction. He is 15, freaking 15. As the story goes on, He stabbed someone. From hearing this, Im not sure what to think. He is not the kind of boy that walks around talking about stabbing people for the hell of it because he thinks he sounds cool. So Im thinking..why? The situation--A few blocks from his house at 3am, a couple of boys pull up in a truck with things like Brass Knuckles, Baseball Bats, ect. & start the fight. Being in Virginia I have not seen him, but from Tracys description he is pretty messed up himself from them hitting him, at some point in this Scott stabbed one of the boys twice. (Once in the shoulder blade, once in the kidney). I will add that the boy Scott stabbed is 17, several inches taller than him, and carrying a baseball bat. I have no choice than to believe that he stabbed him in self defense. Hes a Baby..Hes my little brother. He wouldnt do this for a thrill.

Now, Scott is the only one sitting in Juvi awaiting to start trial on Tuesday. While the one boy is out running free and the second is laying in the hospital. Let me just say, I do NOT feel sorry for this little bastard. I am not a completely cold hearted bitch so Ill explain that a little. These boys have been "picking on" Scott for about 6 months now. Starting fights, breaking out Moms dining room window, the cops have been called and the wonderful police officers of Clay County say, "We have no physical proof that it was these boys. There is nothing we can do." Our local police department is full of a bunch of low life pricks who should be locked up themselves, or at the least their children are the scum of Brazils streets and should be locked up. So this boy that is laying in the hospital, I have no pity for. There were only a few choice ways for this situation end, and by not acting his age and gaining a little self respect, atleast enough to stop picking on a 15 year old, he choose this ending. I am not ignorant and I am in no way saying that what Scott did was right! I do not know why he had the knife in the first place and that question will be answered soon enough, but I 100% believe that he USED IT in self defense.

I am ...partially numb about this whole situation. He's just a baby, He should not have a reason to feel like he needs to carry a knife, he shouldnt have to worry about being jumped in this backwoods, worthless, hell whole of a town. I remember when his biggest problem in the world was that Scooby Doo wasnt on Tv when he wanted it to be. =((. I feel so helpless, although I know even if I were there I couldnt do anything for him. He should be home with his mom, studying, playing video games. Why do kids grow up so fast?  Why is fighting such a big part of life? What does it prove? Whyyyyyy

I hate today, in so many ways. I hate it.

My First Award.

Im feel like Im still getting the hang of this blogging thing, and sometimes I feel like I ramble..too Much. Yet today Im feeling extremely proud of my Ramblings that I have been given the --One Lovely Blog-- "pass along" award! <3.
I havent been blogging long, but it helps knowing that people do find my goings on ammusing =))
& It is definately an insentive to keep blogging!!
Miss Brittany over at My Life As A Sailors Princess gave me this award. It took a lot of learning to figure out how to "pass it along", most of my problems were due to my proudest blonde moments, and she may now be regretting ever giving it to me! =)) haha.
Now I believe I have caught on to how this works. I will now share 7 totally random things about myself and pass this award on to 9 fellow bloggers, and maybe brighten their day a little too. =))

One.

My Family [My very soon to be Hubby, and our 3 girls] mean more to me than ANYTHING in this world. They are my true definiton of HAPPY!

Two.

I actually find myself enjoying Navy life sometimes. yes I miss him oh so much when  he is away, and I complain about the random down sides on occasion, but all in all the Navy has given us this life that we lead, it has enabled us to take care of our family, our kids. Although nothing it gives us will compare to what it takes away...I am still very thankful everyday for what it does give in return.

Three.

I have found myself on facebook wayy too much recently! I used to stay downstairs and watch the *millions* of shows I had recording, now I sit upstairs on the laptop & my DVR has gone crazzzy.

Four.

This should not even be number 4 buuut, I plan to write a whole rambling Blog about it later, sooo Number 4--I will be Mrs. David Andrew Klopfer in 6 months! ahhhh!

Five.

I bounce between wanting a baby, and feeling like I couldnt possibly handle any more a LOT. =//

Six.

I am soo tired of being sick, its ridiculous. I seem to be sick like..Once a month, at the least. Its depressing.

Seven.

I got amazingly good news from my doctor yesterday! =))

I am passing this on to:

1. Life of a Navy Wife

2.A Sailors Babie

3.Proud Navy Wife

4.My Career as a Sailors Heart

5.Married To A Sailor

6.A Little Pink in a World of Camo

7.Being The Wife of a Wounded Marine

8.A Day in the Life of a Navy Wife

9.Cosmetology & Combat Boots