Can't Let Go.

War is not nice-Barbara Bush

I read this story in a book tonight and it brought tears to my eyes.

"I had said goodbye to my husband, Joe, so often, but this time was different.

We now had our first child. After nights of soul-searching and what-ifs, we made the difficult decision that Joe would go by himself to Alabama for the six-month training coursem and I would stay behind with our new son. It was important that I hold onto my teaching position near our home at Fort Hood, plus we were part of a stron network of friends whom I could count on to see me through the rough spots.

On Joe's last evening at home-always a melancholy time-I bathed little Joey, got him into his sleeper and was heading to the bedroom when Joe gently touched me on the shoulder. Lifting the baby from my arms, he said he wanted to tuck Joey in tonight.

They headed down the ahll, and I busied myself with meaningless tasks, expecting Joe to emerge from the bedroom within a few minutes. A half hour went by, and still he had not come back. Figuring he was having trouble getting our son to fall asleep, I tiptoed to the baby's room and peeked into the dimly lit room.

Sitting in the rocking chair, moving slowly back and forth, was my husband, stifling quiet sobs. He was holding our sleeping infant in his arms as though he would never let go.

I whispered, "Honey, what can I do?"

His pained eyes met mine, and after a moment he mumbled, "I just cant put him down"

That night, we stood oveer Joey's crib, holding each other, consoling ourselves and saying over and over that we would make it through this separatin and be together again soon.

Joey is six now, and he has a four-year-old brother named Jack. There have been many farewells since that night, yet my military hero still fights back tears when it's time to leave once again in service to his country and give his boys that last, long hug good-bye." --Julie Angelo

 Now maybe its the hormones, or that we are rapidly growing towared our time to go through just this same thing, but my main cause for loving it so is that I just had a talk with my husband. My exact wording was "Can I please have DAVID for a day and not BM1?" I dont doubt that he loves me and our kids with everything he has. I dont doubt that it is killing him  inside to know that he may miss the birth of our child, or that when he comes home our "baby" will be 6 months old. I just need to SEE it. I realize this is what he's trained to do((holding back the emotion to "do his job")). For him it is more than just "being a guy". I dont need to worry that he is going into a war zone "worrying" about us. But, having said all that, I need to see some of the emotion sometimes. While I know it in my heart, when it comes to doing this "alone" for a year, I need to SEE it. I want him to be angry, sad....scared. I want him to share the deepest fears he holds inside about the next year of our lives. Maybe I havnt been so wonderful at sharing mine with him. Maybe deep down the two of us are trying to "protect" the other, and be strong for the other. When in reality, what we want is to know how much the other HATES this with every fiber of our being. Can I share my anger and my fears with my husband without it effecting his state of mind going into war? Absolutely. Its like he has two different sections to his brain that he can turn on and off depending on the occasion. If he needs to be the big strong tuff guy, he will be. If he needs to be the mushy romantic caring guy I fell in love with, he will be. I on the other hand am all one person, all the time.

By holding back how scared, nervous, angry, or sad we both are with this situation are we really "helping" the other in any way? I dont think so. It would make me feel tremendously better if he would just come to me and say "Baby, I hate this." and again while I know he does, I just want to hear it. I know he prides himself in being strong for me, and I love him for that. But, am I crazy for WANTING him to break down?

Oh my, how will I ever get through this? It was overwhelming enough to know that I would be without the love of my life, my best friend, for a year, and now to know I may be alone giving birth, and that our first child together will not know his/her father until they are 6 months old. Its almost unbearable. There hasnt been a single day that has gone by that I havnt broken down. Thats my way of "dealing" with this I suppose.

Its the strangest thing ya know? To finally find the man that makes me happy, honestly and truely happy, and then to have this man, I must adapt my life to being without him, to have him. =//